Have the courage to live...anyone can die.........

Three times....

So, I've almost died three....yes three times....lol, I know it's not really really funny, but it is when I tell it, because, well....I didn't die.
The first time, I don't even remember I was a small small baby I had rheumatic fever... rheumatic fever is a severe infectious disease that mostly kids get, they develop a very very high fever, and inflamed joints and muscles, usually it causes permanent damage to the valves of the heart. Which is exactly what I have now, the rheumatic fever caused an inflammation in my heart muscle and caused me to have a heart murmur which is basically a hole in my heart...awesome right?  NOPE, not at all, this means crap like, anytime I go to the dentist I have to take five 1000 mg of antibiotics an hour before.....gross...makes me sooo sick.  Plus it makes my heartbeat do this weird flip flop shit, which is actually it hesitating to beat....very nice....anyway that's number one near death, since I've been told, I almost gave in....

The second time, was when I gave birth to my little boy Nicholas.  I went to the doctor and had a very high blood pressure reading, and my heart beat was kind of erratic.  So, my blood pressure wouldn't come down no matter what I did, so they admitted me into the hospital.  They started checking me for Pre-Eclampsia, which is basically something in the Placenta says....nope, we hate your body now, and releases all this shit in your blood, it makes your blood pressure spike and whatever.  Well,  apparently I had HAD Pre-Eclampsia and it had went into full blown Eclampsia within a matter of an hour.  Eclampsia is basically a series of brain seizures and blood poisoning.  The only way to cure these two things is to deliver the baby.  Sounds awesome right....well, It is not.  All I remember is losing eyesight, headache, my heart pounding, and going into labor.  My doctor had not arrived so the doctor at the hospital was dealing with me, which I hated.  So, apparently I went downhill, my blood pressure dropped dramatically, my heart beat slowed, and I went fuzzy.  And Nick was in distress, so I had to deliver, problem was when my BP dropped they needed to bring it up, so they dropped my head to the floor, my feet in the air (? don't know why) and was told I needed to deliver stat, but could not have a C-section because I had massive blood poisoning, so my blood would not clot, meaning I could not have any sort of blood drawn, or any kind of surgery what-so-ever or I would bleed to death.  Well, I basically delivered, without any drugs at all (I couldn't have anything) with my head towards the floor, by my doctor who walked in at after the head had been delivered, why was he late, his wife had left her purse in his car, and he had to take it back home....WTF.  I'm just glad Nicholas was okay.

Third time....Para-sailing in Myrtle Beach.  My sister in law Kim and I decided to para-sail, knock something off my bucket list.  Well so this taxi boat takes you from the beach to the main boat that sits about a mile out in the ocean, there are about 10 people on this boat.  We make it to the main boat, and it is really choppy, the first two sets of people have already had their turn, and Kim and I were up next, and the last ones to actually Para-sail.  A call comes in to the captain that they are going to have to cancel the rest of the day, because a storm is coming in and the water is unsafe, which I can totally understand, because the boat was being knocked around everywhere...the waves were huge.  People (not me or Kim of course) but the others were vomiting off the side.  The captain says, well we have you two out here already we will just go ahead and let you take your turn, so we get up in the air, and look down at the boat, the waves are hitting it like crazy, and almost everyone is puking off the side...very nice.  After our ride, we have to land standing up on the back of this boat that is being pummeled by waves, we do pretty good actually, but here is where things get sticky.
We all board the taxi boat to go back in....shortly after we leave the main boat, we get smacked by a huge wave, and the boat flips.  Kim actually stays in the boat, her leg is stuck in a rope, so the boat gets flipped back up and she's in it, which is hilarious now.  Anyway, I'm in the water, about 3/4 a mile out from the beach, and I am getting pummeled by waves, I can't even stay above the water, even with the life jacket.  I come up, and glance behind me looking for a break from the waves, and I see the boat, about a three feet directly in back of me...."oh shit, I'm going to get hit by the boat!"...I go under (? not sure why), come back up, and of course it's still there.  Out of the blue, I get this idea that I should be swimming sideways, away from the boat and the current (that's easier said than done), but I do it...I keep going under and swimming sideways...finally the boat is in front of me, with Kim in it of course lol.  The para-sail company comes over to us, and say "Oh my God, are you okay?, we have these T-shirts for you"..T-shirts...wtf...I want my money back, but NOOOO!. The best part is that no-one except Kim's husband Brandon saw it, everyone else was in the bar!!!!....So we walk in the bar, and everyone was like...."geez you guys are wet, what they do, dip you in the ocean?"  UM, yeah, they dipped us in the ocean alright.
Hopefully I will not have a number four, or higher.....because I mean how many lives could I possibly have, I'm not a cat!!!! meow.......

I'm in LOVE with a.............................

It's me again.... just a little blog (yeah right) about a very important book I own, what's in it, and most importantly why I have to keep it safe.  Wow?  sounds intriguing right? sure it does!, so wow is right (actually you will probably find this to be more funny than..wow, but anyway). 

Let me start by saying that beautiful people are everywhere.  Yes people are beautiful on the inside, but that's not what I'm talking about here, yes they volunteer (which I'm all for, but not talking about), yes they help children (sweet, but not talking about that either), all around genuine caring person (that's awesome, but nope, not that).  I'm plain and simply  talking looks, adorable faces, sexy bodies, beautiful eyes, ...got it, beautiful people are everywhere. Of course not everyone has the same taste, we all know this. I mean remember in high school and your best friend's boyfriend was just God awful ugly? Yeah!, but to your friend, they were the cat's meow!  Now let's talk about the reason people get crushes...well of course could be the adorable extremely gorgeous faces, great hair, beautiful eyes, sweet dimples,  or maybe it's the hysterically funny person that makes you giggle like a school girl, or simply the way someone carries themselves, or presents themselves to others.  Everyone has a crush, a person that makes them say.....ahhhhh - very nice.  This is where the book comes into play...Called the celebrilist...which is defined in the urban dictionary (love it) as a list created by the individuals in order to notate which celebrities they are allowed to have sex with, if given the opportunity, and will not have committed any kind of wrong-doing in any relationship.  So basically, it's a book listing celebrities (well, truth be told they are not ALL celebrities) people have chosen as their "celebu-crushes", and possibly even stalkerazzi level crushes.  

Here's the deal, it started about two years ago on a girl trip, at a restaurant I believe PF Chang's, anyway waiting for our food, we got into a discussion about gorgeous actors.  I had a small pad of paper in my book, and jotted them down, even went as far as to write down our waiter's choices...(we each got five).   It was hilarious, and every single time we were together again, we brought it up.  One day out of the blue I had a text.."Paula, I need to change my list, I've decided I really think Channing Tatum is hot".....OOooKaayy... this text was the official beginning of the "celebrilist".  Now I have a small book that I keep with me, it lists names and celebu-crushes for most of my friends, and a few others.  It is updated a lot, mostly by text, and some lists have grown from five, to fifteen. 

Why do we do this....well mainly because it's funny,  It's funny looking at other peoples lists, judging their celebs, and of course updating it is also fun! 

 

So here's the deal, the Celebrilist..... is real, it's secret (well, sorta.. ummm not really,  nope...not at all), but it is an actual book, and I own it.  Want to add to it, sure, just jot me a note.  We are serious when we say, what's written in ink is branded for life (I guess that's a tattoo), well what's written in blood (that won't work either, cause it's not blood, I'm not crazy).  What is written in this book....well it's neither a contract or the law, it's not going to be binding in court or anything sweet like that.  However, it does add a little bit of fantasy, bliss, and wishful thinking to our somewhat mundane lives...lol

I can hardly wait for the leaves to turn brown to match my grass!!

Well I'm assuming it's too late to start my spring cleaning now, and my tan will have to wait until next year.....BUT, I have to admit that Autumn is my most favorite season of all.... I bet you really don't wanna know why, but if you are reading this rambling you are gonna find out....

Football.....I LOVE football!  The best Friday nights are when I meet my friends for a little tail-gate action before our local high school football game starts.  The Colerain Cardinals are top-notch!  We are known as the hill people, obviously because we sit on the hill and not in the stands. There is a very good reason for sitting on the hill.  Well, of course all our friends are there.  We lay blanket's out on the ground, and chill out, so it's much more comfortable than the stands.  We get to spread out, not sitting shoulder to shoulder with people, and you can see everything, the entire field for one, the concessions (gotta know when to get in line), the band, the cheerleaders.  We can hear everything going on in the Cardinal Village behind us, and see everything in front of us including the silly high school kid getting hauled out for sneaking alcohol in the stadium (will they ever learn?).  We have Twizzlers, not necessarily to eat, but we actually hurl them into the crowd when we score, we dance, laugh, we are super loud and obnoxious, and move around visiting with everyone on the hill (well as long as you don't jinx the team)! Of course I also love the University of Cincinnati Bearcats....gotta love our CATS... one reason, well shouldn't be a surprise, Coach Kerry Coombs is there, he was the football coach at Colerain not too long ago.  Coach Coombs is awesome, his family is awesome, I love his wife! They are great people, so of course I want his team to succeed. I've always been a big fan of UC though, even before Coach Coombs started.  They have had their ups and downs but...hey, doesn't everyone.  WHO-DEY - ADORE those Bengals..."Hear that Bengal growling, mean and angry, see that Bengal prowling, lean and hungry, an offensive brute, run, pass or boot, and defensively, he's rough err tough errr.. Cincinnati Bengals that's the team were gonna cheer to victory... Touchdown Bengals!! Put some points up on the board and win a game for Cincinnati..."  Sorry had to add that, anyway, the Bengals with Batman and Robin this year (T.O and Ochocinco) they are hysterical, and bound to be entertaining.  Last but not least...the New Orleans Saints....I love the Saints, since I have been to New Orleans, read about the volunteer efforts of the Saints after Katrina, I have gained a great deal of respect for them.  They are an awesome team, sooo glad they won the Super Bowl...WHO-DAT.  
Another reason to love autumn....LEAVES...! When the leaves change color, it's like an artists canvas, it's beautiful.  Driving through Mt. Airy forest near my house is very calming during this time, you can see the creek, the little waterfalls, see the deer, drive to Putz's and realize, they are closed..UGH..just kidding.  I love when the leaves fall, they cover up the dead grass, and the kids at preschool love to rake them and jump in them.  I remember the smell of them when I was a kid jumping in the huge piles we had built at my grandma's house, and then filling my dad's clothes to make a scarecrow (why is it called a scarecrow when it's not actually a crow, should be called a mantoscarecrows...right?) We were really being tricked, tricked into raking, and then tricked into picking them up.  The only bad part about that was when you jumped in a pile of leaves was when you would hit a stick, geez that would hurt...
Carmel Apples - the ultimate deliciousness.....wow, melt in your mouth wonderful, scrumptious, heaven to your tongue... I've already had four this year, and it's not officially fall !  Candy Corn - I love candy corn, especially the kind with the brown ends...yummy.  Hot chocolate - that is the ultimate warmer upper at the football games. Bon-Fires - Nothing more fun than roasting marshmallows with friends around a fire, the smell of the wood burning alone is amazing.  Spice - I love the smell of spice, cakes, cookies, candles, whatever it is, it makes me happy.  Apple Cider and pumpkin bread - aaahhhh, delicious!  Pumpkin farms - going to the pumpkin farm with the preschool is one of my favorite things to do, they are so excited. I am so excited...I usually pick out my pumpkin and then steer all the kids away from it, so it can be MINE... I hate to carve them though, they stink, like vomit.  The last two years I've carved my pumpkins to look like they are puking, the neighbors love them!  Haunted Houses - just so you all know, I am willing to go to any haunted house in the world....I love them, I love being scared, wanting to run through it, but wanting to see everything, people pushing and shoving.. screaming and then laughing about it.  It's awesome, It's one of my favorite things to do, I just need to have friends who are less scared of them, they are not real!  Halloween, I think this is my favorite holiday, i love dressing up, going to parties, seeing all the costumes.  So much fun seeing what everyone came up with to wear! 
So to sum it all up.....yes, fall or Autumn whichever you want to call it is an essential part of my happiness!  Yea for fall.....it's here!!!!!   Wanna go to a haunted house??

My family produced a fairly good crop of nuts...

Family - truly a word that brings me joy, and laughter....right?  That's questionable! Sometimes my family makes me feel like I'm strangling, or at least wanting to strangle someone, but I don't think I could ever live without them, well most of them.

I was born in the hood, Elmwood Place, at the time It was a really cool place to live, wasn't the richest neighborhood, but we by far were not the poorest either...we lived on the "upper" side of the tracks...if you are from Elmwood, that made a difference, of course, not to me, I didn't quite understand that...I had friends all over the place so...whatever.. Anyway, apparently my mom and dad didn't quite like my brother as a newborn, he must have cried a lot or something so they decided to try again,  I was born eleven months later..  same month.  Some people say..."oh, no, Paula you were the accident"...I say, "if he would have been a better baby, they wouldn't have tried to replace him so early"...  Anyway, my brother, Ronald, named after my dad....Ronald (don't ever do that) and I never quite got along, as a matter of fact, we fought all the time...I'm not even talking arguing...I'm talking, beat the shit out of each other fighting.  I believe that I must have became a pretty good fighter since everyday, my brother and I held a MMA match in the living room! He usually won, only because he had some pounds on me! Actually as we got older, and bigger, I started fighting unfairly, he had to stop me one day, and hung me on a nail by the back of my shirt....I am not lying...he picked me up, and latched the back of my shirt to a nail.  He should be thanking me though, as I've been told many a time that when he was in a fight with someone at school, I would jump in and defend him, I do remember having a few black eyes in school.  I can beat the shit out of him people, but God forbid anyone else lay a hand on him, that's how I roll... 

My momma and pops, they are sweethearts, they are probably the nicest people I know, my mom will give the shirt off her back to people. I remember walking to school, in the winter, no not 10 miles with no shoes uphill, basically just over the tracks, and across Vine Street...no biggie, anyway, my mom walked me, she was the PTA president...and volunteered at the school a lot, we saw a kid at the light at Vine, with no coat on, my mom asks him where his jacket was, in which their reply was, that they didn't have one, so my mom, took her coat off, and gave it to the him, told him that he didn't have to return it.  I was spoiled..They gave me everything...yes I had pf fliers, a Chicago Bulls Starter Jacket, I had Chuck T's pink high tops and CK jeans, and of course  a "member's only" jacket..and black Adidas indoor soccer shoes! My dad, had no enemies, he still to this day talks to EVERYONE he sees, the UDF clerk, the gas station attendant, (remember when they used to pump gas for you, man I miss that).  He worked at like 4 a.m., at the post office downtown, he worked his ass off to give us everything we wanted and most importantly needed. He was probably the best worker they had.  Anyway, I always said that my daddy was the mailman, and it's completely true.  The next person I'm going to mention is Casey my little sister...she really isn't my real biological sister, she is actually my double first cousin, meaning, our parents are siblings...like, my mom and her mom are sisters, and my dad and her dad are brothers.  Strange huh? well yea, but that makes us as close as sisters, without actually being sisters.  She lived at my house when she was born.  My Aunt Joan and Uncle Don had her when they were not exactly planning on having kids, and they were to me at the time, fairly old, now...they weren't that old at all, anyway, they couldn't control her...lol, she was what I liked to call the Omen baby, she cried all the time!  She was never happy.  Now, she is still a little shit...just kidding, I love this girl....more than I could love any biological sister!

So that's a glimpse of my parents, what I failed to mention is the number of "foster" kids we had living with us, what I like to call my sisters and brothers from other mothers.  They were not really foster kids from the state, however, they did live with us, my parents took care of them, and they were members of our family, we just didn't get any financial help for them.  If I counted them all I would say we have had about 15 throughout the years.  As a matter of fact, my mom and dad still have 5 and one on the way at their house now. I used to think they were so dumb, why would you waste your money, time, and food on these teenagers....now, I know why they did it. I'm so glad they did too, all my brothers and sisters mean the world to me, with the exception of one, who stole every damn pair of socks I owned.  If I could find her now, I'd fill a pillow case with socks and beat her senseless with them.....lol, I know, that wouldn't hurt right?  well, maybe not, but it seems appropriate to me.  If you find the time this
week, thank someone who is fostering kids, especially teenagers, because believe me, it is not easy.

Christmas 2010....."The Crew"

Good friends will stab you in the front.....

The dictionary defines friendships as the art of  valuing friends...and the values that are found in friendships are often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:  desiring what is best for one another, sympathy, and empathy. Honesty - even in difficult situations, especially when pointing out ones faults.  Mutual understanding and compassion, trust, emotional support, equal give and take. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.   Here's the deal, let's be totally honest here, yes, you really do desire the best for your friends...that's a given, unless it's something like winning the lottery, sure she might need the money, but so the hell do I, so I desire for her to have the money, but dang I also desire for me to have some too, right?  And honesty, you know, I do want to be told the truth, I want always to tell the truth to my friends, but at what cost! Say for instance, your friend tells you they've bought the best outfit ever to wear out this weekend, they absolutely love it, when you see it, and it looks like shit, are you really going to be honest and say, "you know, that outfit is cute, but you look like shit in it?"  NO...why, because it would hurt their feelings right... right! Yes most of the time friends do have a mutual understanding, compassion and give emotional support, but sometimes, you just agree to disagree, sometimes all they do is whine, sometimes just sometimes they are completely WRONG, but why fight about it...  as far as this equal give and take bull crap, well, seriously if we are splitting a beer and one cup is more full than the other, I'm just gonna take it and drink the extra so it's even....just sayin.  I have friends that I enjoy spending time with, I have friends that I do not get along with, "but how are they your friends," you ask, well I love them, they are good people, we just don't see eye to eye.  I have a friend who does nothing but concern herself with what everyone is doing, I have a friend who you can't tell a single thing to or else the world will know it, I have a friend that steals all the attention...why?  I'm not sure, but I like them, they are fun, they are my friends, we have things in common, some times, yeah, we have little in common.   You're thinking...wow this is a bitch, nope....not at all think about it....seriously...
So here is my dilemma, I truly love my friends, some more than others this is true.  Friendship means so many different things to each person, I never want to lose another friend in my life, I've lost some to death, some to just flat out stupidity, and some to distance apart.  So we all have friends that we feel we are close to right?  so should these people ever be disposable?  I don't think so...but I guess the question is, does everyone think like I do...apparently NOT, or I would have never lost some "friends".  So harsh harsh reality, but all of my friends are not equal, we have our friends we love more than anything, we have our "hmmmm...yea I know that person" acquaintances that we to in fact talk to and do things with on occasion.. then there are our "I've known that person since Kindergarten, and played ball at Elmwood Park every weekend" school friends, who I must say have a very special bond with, I mean who else can you eat glue with, color on, braid their hair in a million braids, talk to your imaginary friends, walk around the world and play kissing catchers on the school playground with, and not have this inevitable bond that ties you together.
Our circumstances change, our attitudes change, our needs change right, so therefore, it is expected that our friends change as well.....really?  I mean, yea I just wrote that, but really?  I don't think I want it to be like that...My friends from elementary school, they are very important to me, we ate lunch everyday together, "dude, can I have your star crunch?", "my brother is a horses ass, lets kick his ass after school", "walk me home, I'm about to get my butt beat!' why in the world would I give these people up, just because I can buy my own little Debbie's, and am not getting my ass whooped everyday...You see these friends and automatically you say...remember when, "we teased Donna's hair up, and sprayed it with two cans of aqua net"...to me that is awesome
My High School friends....NEVER will I ever give them up, they were my crutch if my boyfriend broke up with me, if my grandpa died, things like "oh my God, he looked at me"..."are you going to the party Saturday at Fritz's house"...."Shu Sue, what did you do"....eating Chili Time, and Pasquale's at lunch time, walking all the way to Dairy Queen in 10 minutes, or the candy store...."I would like 10 Swedish fish, 2 pieces of gum, and 3 cherry bombs".....  or better yet..."he just broke my heart"....or "ladies go out in the hall and sit, you do not call your teacher by their first name"....These people meant the world to me every single day...I wouldn't have went to school without them being there, I would have skipped every single day of my life... Then there are the new "face book friends"...do I want to erase these people...well maybe some of them, but see there is this friend of mine who lives ....who knows where, but he is really cool, he is kind of the publicity person for some upcoming singers/rappers, I'm not even sure why we met on here, but if I didn't hear from him, I think it would drive me crazy, he's had a rough year, and we've talked about that, I want to know he's okay ten years from now...why? cause he really is a friend of mine, no I've never met him, don't know if I ever will...maybe!
So a friendship is like an invisible contract right? except, if that contract is breached......can we break it? why would a friendship be disposable?  I don't think they are, but people say, "I've changed, I just don't hang with them anymore"...what about because of say a friend moving away, well yea, it's going to be harder, but not impossible..friendships take work, like anything else worth having!  Maybe it's just me, maybe just maybe I'm a moron...the fact for real is...I'm a fool, I'm a fool to think that everyone whom I consider my friend, is actually my friend.  There are so many shitty things that happen in the world everyday, why would you even want one enemy? 
Just recently I've re-connected with some high school friends, I've been out with them several times now, and I see why I loved them sooo much in high school, they are the same, yea, some weigh more, yea, their hair is different, yea, they like to drink and party, and cuss alot.....oh yeah, the same as in high school, lol, anyway, I've been seeing them again now for a few months, and I've missed them...since high school, I've missed them terribly, I didn't realize it...but they are back now, and man am I happy... Like that one cute guy, I would have never dated, because he was a whore, but damn if he wasn't my friend, and is my friend now... That person I had only met a few times from a mutual friend, but now, yea we are pretty good buddies.  I wouldn't change them for anything..I love them, love love love them, guys and girls alike...they would never in a million years hurt me, and mean it..
In high school  particularly seventh and eighth grades, I was sometimes made fun of, not because I dressed funny, not because I was weird (well I sorta was), but because I talked to EVERYONE...I didn't care who it was, the poorest kid, the richest kid, didn't matter to me.  Did I hang around with them everyday, and invite them over to my house...NO, but, I felt and still feel as if everyone has something to bring to the table, whether it's loyalty, a since of humor, or just kindness.  The conversation sorta went like this, "why in the world would you invite those kids over to our table to sit".."well, why not, they have nowhere else to sit"...."cause they are filthy, and they never have money to eat"..."then why don't we give them some!"
Five years ago our lives changed, not only did they change, they were crushed...Five years ago Megan Elizabeth Gore the ultimately beautiful girl passed away, from a brain aneurysm...I can remember it as plain as day...we were delivering fliers for an upcoming school levy, we were so engrossed in this job...we HAVE to pass this levy, HAVE to pass it....no other way around it, we will work all night until we get the word out!, until...my phone rings and immediately my heart stopped in my chest....Meg was dead,  oh my God, Megan is gone!! NO, please, not Megan...  But, yea it was true, she has spent the night with a friend, went to bed with a headache, and never woke up again! We questioned this, Megan was a volunteer, she did things no other person around us ever, ever did, she was a member of just about every club in high school, even the black culture club, and well, she's not black lol, she was accepted in the DAP program at UC, spoke to everyone, no enemies in the world, why was she taken?  I have never been through something so horrible in my entire life, we all changed, her mom, was simply unable to even function for a long time, alot of people were.  She effected us so much living, now what?  Well, she has effected me in her death as well...I will never accept that I cannot do something, I will not accept that I have enough friends.... I get hurt easily if I think that someone doesn't want to be a friend to me, I can't understand why they don't want to at least try.  That is my biggest fault I guess, the friendship factor, I meet someone, we have things in common, they seem so very real, and nice, so cool, and fun, I want to be their friend...I want to hang out and get to know them, but guess what...not interested....really? why? I'm not that bad, I will do just about anything to help you, I will change my schedule to try to be there if you need me. why? because a friend would do that right?  or maybe I'm just an insane person. 
I mean deep down I know that there are people I'm not friends with, I'm not going to be friends with, I deal with that, but really, who knows?  I become a fool sometimes I guess, I get used, I get shit on, disposed of.  I know I do, I allow it to happen, I cannot for the life of me get myself to accept the fact that I cannot do anything to become someones friend.  yea, basically I'm buying a friendship, not making a friend...I sooo know this, I'm against it all the way..I try to talk myself out of it, but seriously, I cannot, I'm obsessed?  who knows...I don't think so, I think I just get sad thinking that some people are okay with what they have, don't get me wrong, I love love love my friends,more than anything in the world...and would never ever want them gone....but why can't I have more!  well, I think I can!...and I will...
So my title, Good friends will stab you in the front...well yeah they will, except, they don't mean to, you see it coming, it happens, they apologize, you move on, and forget it, right?  It's the people who stab you in the back you have to be wary of....they were never your friend to begin with.. Ramble ramble ramble...blah blah blah,,, whatever you think of me is fine, as long as you think I'm your friend...lol