My family produced a fairly good crop of nuts...

Family - truly a word that brings me joy, and laughter....right?  That's questionable! Sometimes my family makes me feel like I'm strangling, or at least wanting to strangle someone, but I don't think I could ever live without them, well most of them.

I was born in the hood, Elmwood Place, at the time It was a really cool place to live, wasn't the richest neighborhood, but we by far were not the poorest either...we lived on the "upper" side of the tracks...if you are from Elmwood, that made a difference, of course, not to me, I didn't quite understand that...I had friends all over the place so...whatever.. Anyway, apparently my mom and dad didn't quite like my brother as a newborn, he must have cried a lot or something so they decided to try again,  I was born eleven months later..  same month.  Some people say..."oh, no, Paula you were the accident"...I say, "if he would have been a better baby, they wouldn't have tried to replace him so early"...  Anyway, my brother, Ronald, named after my dad....Ronald (don't ever do that) and I never quite got along, as a matter of fact, we fought all the time...I'm not even talking arguing...I'm talking, beat the shit out of each other fighting.  I believe that I must have became a pretty good fighter since everyday, my brother and I held a MMA match in the living room! He usually won, only because he had some pounds on me! Actually as we got older, and bigger, I started fighting unfairly, he had to stop me one day, and hung me on a nail by the back of my shirt....I am not lying...he picked me up, and latched the back of my shirt to a nail.  He should be thanking me though, as I've been told many a time that when he was in a fight with someone at school, I would jump in and defend him, I do remember having a few black eyes in school.  I can beat the shit out of him people, but God forbid anyone else lay a hand on him, that's how I roll... 

My momma and pops, they are sweethearts, they are probably the nicest people I know, my mom will give the shirt off her back to people. I remember walking to school, in the winter, no not 10 miles with no shoes uphill, basically just over the tracks, and across Vine Street...no biggie, anyway, my mom walked me, she was the PTA president...and volunteered at the school a lot, we saw a kid at the light at Vine, with no coat on, my mom asks him where his jacket was, in which their reply was, that they didn't have one, so my mom, took her coat off, and gave it to the him, told him that he didn't have to return it.  I was spoiled..They gave me everything...yes I had pf fliers, a Chicago Bulls Starter Jacket, I had Chuck T's pink high tops and CK jeans, and of course  a "member's only" jacket..and black Adidas indoor soccer shoes! My dad, had no enemies, he still to this day talks to EVERYONE he sees, the UDF clerk, the gas station attendant, (remember when they used to pump gas for you, man I miss that).  He worked at like 4 a.m., at the post office downtown, he worked his ass off to give us everything we wanted and most importantly needed. He was probably the best worker they had.  Anyway, I always said that my daddy was the mailman, and it's completely true.  The next person I'm going to mention is Casey my little sister...she really isn't my real biological sister, she is actually my double first cousin, meaning, our parents are siblings...like, my mom and her mom are sisters, and my dad and her dad are brothers.  Strange huh? well yea, but that makes us as close as sisters, without actually being sisters.  She lived at my house when she was born.  My Aunt Joan and Uncle Don had her when they were not exactly planning on having kids, and they were to me at the time, fairly old, now...they weren't that old at all, anyway, they couldn't control her...lol, she was what I liked to call the Omen baby, she cried all the time!  She was never happy.  Now, she is still a little shit...just kidding, I love this girl....more than I could love any biological sister!

So that's a glimpse of my parents, what I failed to mention is the number of "foster" kids we had living with us, what I like to call my sisters and brothers from other mothers.  They were not really foster kids from the state, however, they did live with us, my parents took care of them, and they were members of our family, we just didn't get any financial help for them.  If I counted them all I would say we have had about 15 throughout the years.  As a matter of fact, my mom and dad still have 5 and one on the way at their house now. I used to think they were so dumb, why would you waste your money, time, and food on these teenagers....now, I know why they did it. I'm so glad they did too, all my brothers and sisters mean the world to me, with the exception of one, who stole every damn pair of socks I owned.  If I could find her now, I'd fill a pillow case with socks and beat her senseless with them.....lol, I know, that wouldn't hurt right?  well, maybe not, but it seems appropriate to me.  If you find the time this
week, thank someone who is fostering kids, especially teenagers, because believe me, it is not easy.

Christmas 2010....."The Crew"

Good friends will stab you in the front.....

The dictionary defines friendships as the art of  valuing friends...and the values that are found in friendships are often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:  desiring what is best for one another, sympathy, and empathy. Honesty - even in difficult situations, especially when pointing out ones faults.  Mutual understanding and compassion, trust, emotional support, equal give and take. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.   Here's the deal, let's be totally honest here, yes, you really do desire the best for your friends...that's a given, unless it's something like winning the lottery, sure she might need the money, but so the hell do I, so I desire for her to have the money, but dang I also desire for me to have some too, right?  And honesty, you know, I do want to be told the truth, I want always to tell the truth to my friends, but at what cost! Say for instance, your friend tells you they've bought the best outfit ever to wear out this weekend, they absolutely love it, when you see it, and it looks like shit, are you really going to be honest and say, "you know, that outfit is cute, but you look like shit in it?"  NO...why, because it would hurt their feelings right... right! Yes most of the time friends do have a mutual understanding, compassion and give emotional support, but sometimes, you just agree to disagree, sometimes all they do is whine, sometimes just sometimes they are completely WRONG, but why fight about it...  as far as this equal give and take bull crap, well, seriously if we are splitting a beer and one cup is more full than the other, I'm just gonna take it and drink the extra so it's even....just sayin.  I have friends that I enjoy spending time with, I have friends that I do not get along with, "but how are they your friends," you ask, well I love them, they are good people, we just don't see eye to eye.  I have a friend who does nothing but concern herself with what everyone is doing, I have a friend who you can't tell a single thing to or else the world will know it, I have a friend that steals all the attention...why?  I'm not sure, but I like them, they are fun, they are my friends, we have things in common, some times, yeah, we have little in common.   You're thinking...wow this is a bitch, nope....not at all think about it....seriously...
So here is my dilemma, I truly love my friends, some more than others this is true.  Friendship means so many different things to each person, I never want to lose another friend in my life, I've lost some to death, some to just flat out stupidity, and some to distance apart.  So we all have friends that we feel we are close to right?  so should these people ever be disposable?  I don't think so...but I guess the question is, does everyone think like I do...apparently NOT, or I would have never lost some "friends".  So harsh harsh reality, but all of my friends are not equal, we have our friends we love more than anything, we have our "hmmmm...yea I know that person" acquaintances that we to in fact talk to and do things with on occasion.. then there are our "I've known that person since Kindergarten, and played ball at Elmwood Park every weekend" school friends, who I must say have a very special bond with, I mean who else can you eat glue with, color on, braid their hair in a million braids, talk to your imaginary friends, walk around the world and play kissing catchers on the school playground with, and not have this inevitable bond that ties you together.
Our circumstances change, our attitudes change, our needs change right, so therefore, it is expected that our friends change as well.....really?  I mean, yea I just wrote that, but really?  I don't think I want it to be like that...My friends from elementary school, they are very important to me, we ate lunch everyday together, "dude, can I have your star crunch?", "my brother is a horses ass, lets kick his ass after school", "walk me home, I'm about to get my butt beat!' why in the world would I give these people up, just because I can buy my own little Debbie's, and am not getting my ass whooped everyday...You see these friends and automatically you say...remember when, "we teased Donna's hair up, and sprayed it with two cans of aqua net"...to me that is awesome
My High School friends....NEVER will I ever give them up, they were my crutch if my boyfriend broke up with me, if my grandpa died, things like "oh my God, he looked at me"..."are you going to the party Saturday at Fritz's house"...."Shu Sue, what did you do"....eating Chili Time, and Pasquale's at lunch time, walking all the way to Dairy Queen in 10 minutes, or the candy store...."I would like 10 Swedish fish, 2 pieces of gum, and 3 cherry bombs".....  or better yet..."he just broke my heart"....or "ladies go out in the hall and sit, you do not call your teacher by their first name"....These people meant the world to me every single day...I wouldn't have went to school without them being there, I would have skipped every single day of my life... Then there are the new "face book friends"...do I want to erase these people...well maybe some of them, but see there is this friend of mine who lives ....who knows where, but he is really cool, he is kind of the publicity person for some upcoming singers/rappers, I'm not even sure why we met on here, but if I didn't hear from him, I think it would drive me crazy, he's had a rough year, and we've talked about that, I want to know he's okay ten years from now...why? cause he really is a friend of mine, no I've never met him, don't know if I ever will...maybe!
So a friendship is like an invisible contract right? except, if that contract is breached......can we break it? why would a friendship be disposable?  I don't think they are, but people say, "I've changed, I just don't hang with them anymore"...what about because of say a friend moving away, well yea, it's going to be harder, but not impossible..friendships take work, like anything else worth having!  Maybe it's just me, maybe just maybe I'm a moron...the fact for real is...I'm a fool, I'm a fool to think that everyone whom I consider my friend, is actually my friend.  There are so many shitty things that happen in the world everyday, why would you even want one enemy? 
Just recently I've re-connected with some high school friends, I've been out with them several times now, and I see why I loved them sooo much in high school, they are the same, yea, some weigh more, yea, their hair is different, yea, they like to drink and party, and cuss alot.....oh yeah, the same as in high school, lol, anyway, I've been seeing them again now for a few months, and I've missed them...since high school, I've missed them terribly, I didn't realize it...but they are back now, and man am I happy... Like that one cute guy, I would have never dated, because he was a whore, but damn if he wasn't my friend, and is my friend now... That person I had only met a few times from a mutual friend, but now, yea we are pretty good buddies.  I wouldn't change them for anything..I love them, love love love them, guys and girls alike...they would never in a million years hurt me, and mean it..
In high school  particularly seventh and eighth grades, I was sometimes made fun of, not because I dressed funny, not because I was weird (well I sorta was), but because I talked to EVERYONE...I didn't care who it was, the poorest kid, the richest kid, didn't matter to me.  Did I hang around with them everyday, and invite them over to my house...NO, but, I felt and still feel as if everyone has something to bring to the table, whether it's loyalty, a since of humor, or just kindness.  The conversation sorta went like this, "why in the world would you invite those kids over to our table to sit".."well, why not, they have nowhere else to sit"...."cause they are filthy, and they never have money to eat"..."then why don't we give them some!"
Five years ago our lives changed, not only did they change, they were crushed...Five years ago Megan Elizabeth Gore the ultimately beautiful girl passed away, from a brain aneurysm...I can remember it as plain as day...we were delivering fliers for an upcoming school levy, we were so engrossed in this job...we HAVE to pass this levy, HAVE to pass it....no other way around it, we will work all night until we get the word out!, until...my phone rings and immediately my heart stopped in my chest....Meg was dead,  oh my God, Megan is gone!! NO, please, not Megan...  But, yea it was true, she has spent the night with a friend, went to bed with a headache, and never woke up again! We questioned this, Megan was a volunteer, she did things no other person around us ever, ever did, she was a member of just about every club in high school, even the black culture club, and well, she's not black lol, she was accepted in the DAP program at UC, spoke to everyone, no enemies in the world, why was she taken?  I have never been through something so horrible in my entire life, we all changed, her mom, was simply unable to even function for a long time, alot of people were.  She effected us so much living, now what?  Well, she has effected me in her death as well...I will never accept that I cannot do something, I will not accept that I have enough friends.... I get hurt easily if I think that someone doesn't want to be a friend to me, I can't understand why they don't want to at least try.  That is my biggest fault I guess, the friendship factor, I meet someone, we have things in common, they seem so very real, and nice, so cool, and fun, I want to be their friend...I want to hang out and get to know them, but guess what...not interested....really? why? I'm not that bad, I will do just about anything to help you, I will change my schedule to try to be there if you need me. why? because a friend would do that right?  or maybe I'm just an insane person. 
I mean deep down I know that there are people I'm not friends with, I'm not going to be friends with, I deal with that, but really, who knows?  I become a fool sometimes I guess, I get used, I get shit on, disposed of.  I know I do, I allow it to happen, I cannot for the life of me get myself to accept the fact that I cannot do anything to become someones friend.  yea, basically I'm buying a friendship, not making a friend...I sooo know this, I'm against it all the way..I try to talk myself out of it, but seriously, I cannot, I'm obsessed?  who knows...I don't think so, I think I just get sad thinking that some people are okay with what they have, don't get me wrong, I love love love my friends,more than anything in the world...and would never ever want them gone....but why can't I have more!  well, I think I can!...and I will...
So my title, Good friends will stab you in the front...well yeah they will, except, they don't mean to, you see it coming, it happens, they apologize, you move on, and forget it, right?  It's the people who stab you in the back you have to be wary of....they were never your friend to begin with.. Ramble ramble ramble...blah blah blah,,, whatever you think of me is fine, as long as you think I'm your friend...lol